MARITAL COUNSELLING OR DIVORCE COUNSELLING?

Victor Bloom MD

Psychiatrist

Grosse Pointe Park

Many people come for marital counselling when it is too late. It is too late when there is 'irreparable damage' to the marital relationship and there are 'irreconcilable differences'. These commonly used terms are in the parlance of lawyers, who attempt to put into words a psychological reality. There comes a time when all efforts to communicate have failed, when, literally, love is lost. Just as love is not a rational emotion, one cannot explain how and why 'love fades', but it is a well-known fact that it often does. Sometimes, what takes its place is duty, devotion, loyalty, commitment, responsibility, even guilt, and couples stay together for a variety of reasons, such as what is good for the kids, financial realities, social approval, a fear of loneliness.

Many marriages become 'arranged marriages' in which there is mutual benefit to the partners and family, but the marital partners live essentially separate lives. There is a balance between pleasure and pain, and oftentimes the frustrations in a relationship outweigh the gratifications. It can be said that all relationships, especially love relationships are 'ambivalent', which means there is a mixture of positive and negative emotions.

The couples who seek divorce counselling have attained a balance in which the pain outweighs the pleasure, the frustrations outnumber the gratifications, the negative emotions of anger, anxiety, depression and tension outweigh the positive emotions of tenderness, affection, kindness and consideration. It is not a good atmosphere for children to be raised in a negative emotional climate as they will come to think that this atmosphere of silence, distance and resentment is 'normal'. Children internalize the dysfunctional atrmosphere of such a home and often develop a mythology that everything is fine. Most psychotherapists find that their patients just as often come from intact, dysfunctional homes as the so-called 'broken home'.

When marital partners seek separation and divorce, therefore, it is not always a bad thing. What is most unfortunate is when negative and destructive feelings fuel the divorce proceedings. Unethical divorce attorneys may pour fuel on the fire, advising their clients to punish the spouse, especially over money matters, custody and visitation, and the children become pawns in a terrible battle, which may go on for years, adding to the lawyer's exhorbitant fees. Children are more hurt by the prolonged fighting, as exemplified in the movie, "War of the Roses", than by the divorce and separation itself. "The Brady Bunch" became the ideal of the blended family, where healing occurred, and 'yours and mine' became 'ours'.

Healing can be encouraged from the get-go if the divorcing couple seeks divorce counselling, rather than seeking adversarial divorce attorneys. Many psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers are competant to do this, and the financial and the emotional cost is much less than a bitter fight in the courtroom. Divorce trials often become public records, while professional counselling is confidential. The mental health counsellor is well aware of the pitfalls of deteriorated relationships and chronic resentment, and especially of the developmental needs of the children. When parents divorce, there is no doubt but that the children are disillusioned and hurt. They are also angry; they do not care about irreconcilable differences and the loss of love, they want to be secure and have things stable. They have no sympathy for the suffering of their parents, or knowledge of adult concerns.

First of all, the children need to be helped to adjust to a new way of life. Although at first they are devastated, with help they learn the advantages of two households and two parents who are relieved of tension and frustration. Children are glad to see their parents happy, and that is the goal of divorce, the search for happiness.

It is well known that divorce, in and of itself, is not necessarily the cure for the parents' difficulties, but counselling can help the adults learn the cause of their difficulties and prevent a recurrence in future relationships. The children need help in understanding and accepting their parents dating other people. They also need help in accepting the impossibility of the parents' reconciliation, which is their fondest wish. We cannot always have what we wish for, parents and children alike, but ultimately we all must accept reality.

Oftentimes marriage and divorce counsellors bring their own personal experience to bear, when they have undergone the divorce trauma and have come out none the worse for wear on the other side. It is especially useful when the therapist has vastly improved his or her life after divorce and remarriage, and is a role-model for adaptation, adjustment and creativity. Each marriage, each family is unique, and creative and resourceful counselling can salvage the most from what appears to be a devastating morass.