THE IMPORTANCE OF PARENTING

PART I (INFANCY)

Victor Bloom MD

For those of us who are parents, the most important function we have is parenting. It is oft said that we do this without lessons or a license, and yet we require a license to drive, to get married. It is the most complex and difficult thing in the world, to be a parent, and yet we are forced to wing it, to do the best we can and hope for the best. No parent intentionally wants to harm his or her child, and yet we read about it all the time. Often it is done unwittingly and nobody wants to blame or be blamed.

Psychiatrists have often been guilty of blaming the parents for the problems of the child, and as a result, psychiatry has lost a lot of credibility. Presently, the state-of-the-art knowledge is not to blame parents or parenting, but to non-judgmentally attribute one or another developmental problem to inadvertant neglect or abuse. To attribute is not to blame or to judge, but to merely focus our attention on a connection between cause and effect.

What the infant needs is what the Christ-child got, love and adoration, appreciation and high hopes. The infant does not need to be worshipped, but he or she is the hope of the future. In order to fully realize that hope, the infant needs all the love it can get, which amounts to recognizing its needs and gratifying them. It is no longer true that crying is good for the lungs, or that the child should learn early on that the world is harsh and cruel. The infant does not have words, but it has built in gestures which indicate its state of mind, which is largely either comfortable or uncomfortable. If the infant is allowed to be uncomfortable for very long, it will let you know, because its helplessness causes panic, and if it is not attended to, it fears for its very life. The infant is helpless and vulnerable and entirely dependent on others for its care and maintenance.

The infant needs nourishment, which can be supplied by breast or bottle, by its natural parents or a good parent-surrogate. Bonding with two natural parents is best, and then with others in the household, which includes other family and friends, and might include a loving nanny. A multiplicity of uncaring baby-sitters is not good. The infant needs warmth and comforting, which comes from tender holding, which includes hugs and sqeezes, pats and caresses. The immature and undeveloped nervous system requires handling and touching, just like a young puppy or kitten. Ultimately, its comfort will be registered by smiles, which will be returned, which is the beginning of interpersonal relationships. The smiling of mother and infant reverberates and resonates in 'mirroring'. Back and forth with smiles go sounds, the beginnings of language and speech; the infant coos and gurgles and we coo and gurgle back. Singing and dancing are also good, as well as background music, classical and popular. Keep frightening noises to a minimum.

It is good for the baby to be made comfortable by many people, and so it learns that the world outside the family is also good and safe and comforting. It needs a feeling of power to overcome that awful feeling of powerlessness, helplessness. It is very vulnerable. It is not a little adult. It is too early to train the infant to the clock and the calendar; each baby has its own rhythms and particular needs. The parents need to be flexible to accomodate the needs of the infant, instead of the other way around. This means the loss of some sleep for the parents, but this period of vigil is only temporary.

As the baby internalizes all this goodness, it internalizes "the good mother", which includes the good mothering father. This internalized good mother becomes the source of security and love for the rest of its life, which is also the root of self-esteem and self-confidence, the basis of being outgoing and a people-person. Those who do not internalize this love forever feel out of touch, an observer to Life and the world. Lacking love in infancy is the basis for a lack of fulfillment later in life, and even a negative world view, which is the basis of depression, and even paranoia, which is a suspiciousness of all other people, a misanthropic xenophobia.

So by all means, learn about parenting, especially the parenting of an infant, so that you can give him or her the very best, which is the best investment in the world, as the love given now will come back to you the rest of your life. If the love and attention are compromised by frantic activities of the parents, the father a workaholic and the mother over-invested in 'other things', problems will accrue, and it will be forgotten how they started and how they multiply.

The best idea is 'preventive-maintenance'; it is good for your car, your house, your marriage and your kids.