HAPPY BELATED FATHER'S DAY

Victor Bloom MD

The original, primal Father is God, the Father, Creator and Ruler of the Universe, the deity who sees all and knows all. Mere earthly fathers pale into insignificance, descended from the chimpanzee, orangutan and gorilla. We don't swing from the trees anymore, but sometimes we are inclined to roar and beat our chests. Some feminists call these inclinations symptoms of testosterone-poisoning.

The real earth-father has sired offspring and finds himself faced with the responsibility of slaying dragons in order to bring food to the table. He must compete in the rat-race to get the means to house and feed his growing family. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, a veritable jungle. And his job is to bring civilization to his offspring, above and beyond tending to their daily needs, physical and emotional.

It is a daunting task, and more and more modern men are rising to the challenge, feeding the baby, changing diapers, giving the bath, reading a story, enforcing bedtime, giving emotional support to mom, and finding time to relax and read the paper. As the children grow, the responsibilities grow, helping with homework, carpooling to sports and other extracurricular activities, keeping up with medical needs, while maintaining a balance in his own life, a balance between obligations to family (us) and the outside world (them).

Work can be demanding and taxing, material success often based on conscientious, dedicated and responsible attention to the demands of commerce and industry. But these demands can conflict with needs at home for his time and attention. The family needs father to be happy and relaxed, involved enough to tune in to emotional realities and needs, which may easily be taken for granted, ignored or overlooked. Mom is crying a lot. Junior's grades have gone down. Carol's teenage hair has gone green, Tommy is gangling and grim, his attention turned to guns and explosives; his face is full of pimples.

The boat is in a storm and a firm hand is needed at the helm. If father is a workaholic or alcoholic or sexaholic, the ship is bound to be wrecked. If he is distant and unapproachable, he is of little use. If he is an angry tyrant, ditto. The man needs help and must be confronted. This confrontation sometimes takes the form of a powerful 'intervention.' Many men have been returned from uselessness and destructiveness to again being CEO of the family. The family business requires executive ability above and beyond that required of an ordinary business, such as The Big Three. More is at stake, much more. Family should be top priority. All businesses should recognize this fact of life.

Most men are up to the task. The modern man knows that mothering is not only done by mother. He must be nurturing and empathic too. He must be emotionally 'there' and involved. He cannot delegate parenting to the other parent and the older siblings. He is psychologically aware and emotionally open to what is going on in front of his eyes. He is attuned to the facial expressions and nonverbal communication of the rest of the family. Ideally, as his counterpart in the corporate world knows, he is giving out positive vibes of support, encouragement and guidance. He promotes talk and communication and is a role-model of balance, conscientiousness and responsibility. When there is obvious love and affection between father and mother, the climate is there for not only a happy family, but for happy families in the future. The children will marry and have children, and the family atmosphere will be passed on to future generations.

If everything goes well, father will become grandfather, and then the joys will multiply, as he will be seen as a godlike figure who will be overflowing with wisdom and candy. His pride and joy will spread far and wide, a great umbrella of compassion. He will contain his old-fogey attitudes and his youthfulness will span the generation gap. His wisdom will be sought and his appreciation revered. But mainly he will be nice to have around.

You can hardly tell he was once a rambunctious kid himself, a few DNA's distant from the great apes, but occasionally there will be that sparkle in the eye and a whoop of delight as he scoops up a grandchild and gives it a great big hug. And another hug to his own child who has given him this gift. And lastly the best hug of all to the mother of his children, his bride, his ever-lovin' sweetheart.

And such is the difference between the earthly father and the Heavenly Father.

Dr Bloom is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Wayne State University School of Medicine. He is a member of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and on the editorial board of the Wayne County Medical Society. He welcomes comments at his email address--- vbloom@comcast.net.