HOW TO RAISE A CHILD

Victor Bloom MD

The recent headlines of children killing children have raised serious questions

about the changes in society which may have fueled the tragic outbursts of murderous rage in children which have hit the headlines. Many aspects of society have been blamed for this sad state of affairs, including media violence, the easy availability of weapons and materials of mass destruction. In addition the Internet contains descriptions of how to make bombs and battle plans to utilize them.

We need to bring up children who are loving, gentle, kind and considerate, rather than acquiring more and more toys and games. Healthy self-esteem is not established by indulgence with material things. Tots have too many toys and teenagers too many CD's, video games and trendy clothes.

Consumerism, fostered by the media, too often replaces sound parental judgment as to what children need and really want. They need controls, they need rules, they need respect for authority, they need love, and love includes learning to be generous and cooperative, considering the feelings of others. Children learn this when parents impress on their children that they have wants and feelings too.

As I said in my previous editorial (May 6) children need freedom balanced

by controls. Children raised with this balance will become good persons and citizens.

Parenting infants and small children is relatively basic--- TLC. (Tender, Loving Care)

Their basic needs must be met. They must be fed, held, comforted

and played with. Ideally, they are simply adored. TLC in the first year of life is the greatest source of self-esteem. They internalize this love, this caring for them.

When children are older, love means not allowing endless hours at the television set or video game, and not unlimited amounts of money to spend on themselves. Children should learn to work within their capability and help out with chores as they grow up.

At the end of a year, the child is usually able to walk, and so becomes a

toddler. Between toddling and 'the terrible twos' parents are conditioned

to expect an ordeal. There need not be any ordeal. If a toddler climbs on a chair, and then to the cupboard, he or she can easily be removed with a firm or gentle, "no".X When this is repeated as necessary, the child will learn limitations, and learn how to please you. If everything he or she does pleases you, there is no learning. If your child learns to respect and consider your feelings, he or she will learn to consider the feelings and needs of others.

The parent is older, wiser, bigger and stronger and has an enormous responsibility. A good parent is not a playmate, endlessly indulging the whims and temperament of a child. For example, I have seen, under the rubric of 'self-esteem,'giving a child endless choices and never a "no." An exaggerated example would be this:

Honey, do you want the Sugar Smacks, the Cocoa Pops or Fruit Loops? Do

you want it in the yellow bowl, the red bowl, the green bowl or the blue

bowl? Do you want the big spoon or the little one? These endless 'choices' only make a child feel confused, frustrated or duped. They are not necessary for the establishment of self-esteem. Real self-esteem comes from being loved and learning how to love and consider others. The child should be taught the Golden Rule at an early age.«

Giving them too many options leads children to think that they can do

anything they want later in life. We like this idea when it conforms to our

brightest expectations, but not our darkest. Nobody should be given the

message that they are so perfect, trustworthy and adored that anything and everything they do is acceptable. This training leads to grandiosity and narcissism later in life.

We want our children to grow up into teenagers who respect and obey the law, their parents and their teachers. We want them to understand that others have rights and feelings. This is accomplished by raising a child who loves and respects you and learns to take you seriously.

The older child should be expected to spend considerable time doing homework and reading. It would be good for the young person to be so involved in sports or drama or music that there is hardly time left for long hours of television viewing or video game playing or listening to CD's with offensive lyrics.

Rebellion and lawlessness must be contained, or we will become a society described in Kubrick's classic futuristic film, "A Clockwork Orange," where young men ran amok, committing atrocities, while their parents were oblivious and hopelessly ineffectual.

Dr Bloom is Clinical Associate Professor, Department of Psychiatry, Wayne

State University and member of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis. He

welcomes feedback by email to vbloom@comcast.net.