ON THE FUTURE OF INDULGENCES

Victor Bloom MD

My sister-in-law is a third grade schoolteacher in one of the northwest suburbs. She had an anecdote that is becoming more and more familiar, one which gives cause to wonder and worry about the future. Since kids often forget their lunches, the school provides alternatives, so that the forgetful child need not go hungry and the forgetful parent need not feel embarrassed. If a child forgets his lunch, he is offered these alternatives--- a grilled cheese sandwich, a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich and an apple. So far, so good.

An overweight eight year old boy forgot his lunch and was offered the substitutes. He refused the offers, even after much persuasion. Apparently, he would rather go hungry than eat something he didn't want. The teacher didn't worry because she knew the boy would be home in just a few hours. Later that day, the teacher received an infuriated phone call at her home by the boy's mother. She accused the teacher of letting her boy "go hungry." The teacher explained that the child refused the alternative offers. The mother responded, "you should have called me." The teacher said she thought better of disturbing the mother at her workplace. The mother said she would have called her mother, and ask her to go to McDonald's and bring the grandchild a Big Mac and a large order of fries, something he loves.

Although this example is extreme, and hopefully rare, it is indicative of a current trend in young parents to avoid causing their child any frustration. It has got to the point that nowadays, at least for some parents, and it seems many parents, any frustration is deemed to be traumatic and hurtful, causing emotional scars and obstacles to optimum development. It is also considered to be interfering with self-esteem, a sense of security and self-confidence. Thwarting a child in the least is a break in an idealized fantasy of unconditional love. Such is the current trend, and I understand that such parental attitudes are prevalent in parenting literature. This philosophy is the diametric opposite of the concept of tough love. Tough love prepares the child for the inevitable consequences of the real world, of everyday life.

One can only wonder what is the future of children who are indulged this way. Since this boy is already overweight, a diet of McDonald's is heading him toward the health complications of obesity and a shortened life. He is taught not to tolerate a single hunger pang. He will be impatient with frustration, demanding, obnoxious and oblivious of the feelings of others. He will be selfish and self-centered. He will feel entitled to get his way and to demand satisfaction. His tendency will be satisfy his every whim and act on every impulse.

The faulty rationale of this parental philosophy is that a child who is so 'loved' will be 'filled up' and 'overflowing' with goodness and kindness, with which he was being treated. It is fantasized that he will treat others in a loving and kindly way, bestowing his bounty on those around him. This will probably not be the case. Such a person remains immature and dependent, demanding and complaining, always wanting, never giving. There is a truism that the world is made up of feeders and eaters. He will be an eater. Someone will have to take care of him, emotionally and physically, and the tendency will be that he will continue the chain of indulgence and dependence, of selfishness and poor health on his offspring.

The child who is given a chance to learn from his mistakes will learn. If he forgets his lunch and refuses a snack and goes hungry, chances will be that he won't make that mistake again. He won't sicken and die. He won't be permanently scarred. He will learn to be more self-reliant and realistic. He will learn that there are many acceptable alternatives to getting your own way. If reason prevails, this trend to indulgence, permissiveness and unconditional love will demonstrably prove to be counterproductive, and parents will return to rationality and common sense.

Dr Bloom is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Wayne State University School of Medicine.kawatches

He is a member of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and on the editorial board of the Wayne County Medical Society. He welcomes comments at his email address--- vbloom@comcast.net.