GRANDPARENTS AND GRANDCHILDREN

Victor Bloom MD

It is very gratifying to see our children raise their children with a beautiful balance of (unconditional and tough) love and affection, with provision for freedom and creativity, responsibility and sharing. The grandkids appear to be genuinely happy, secure and thriving.

Grandparents like us, in our sixties and seventies, raise our eyebrows and try to keep our mouths shut as we watch some other grandparents' kids raise their kids. There is a considerable generation gap. We were raised with many more rules and respect for authority, such as teachers and police. We heard the word, "no" a lot. Thereby we learned a lot about right and wrong, what is permissable and not. We were taught early on, by methods soft and rough, to consider the feelings of others.

Maybe we are missing something, but it seems that many young children are overly indulged. They are chauffeured to one recreational situation after another. Birthdays and holidays are celebrated out of all proportion. Kids 'graduate' out of pre-school and kindergarten. Parents and teachers move heaven and earth to elevate their self-esteems. One mother insists on walking her child into the school, in order to shepherd him to the right place and hang up his coat. What is in his lunch box is carefully designed to make sure that he would not envy another kid's lunch.

Without a lot of coaching and structure, little kids are demons in supermarkets and restaurants. Some mothers are reduced to screaming and beating. Kids don't take no for an answer. No, Johnnie, don't pull out that orange! There goes the carefully constructed pyramid. No, Billie, you can't walk up and down the restaurant introducing yourself and asking the nice people to play with you. Even though some of them don't appear to mind.

Breakfast is interesting. Do you want the cocoa puffs or alphabits, sugar smacks or corn pops? How do you want your eggs? Do you want the red bowl or the green one, the blue or the yellow, the silver spoon or the white plastic one? Do you want cream or whole milk? Two percent or one percent or skim? Chocolate or white?

Lunch can even be more interesting. Peanut butter and jelly? McDonald's? Pizza? Apple, pear or banana? And for dessert--- ice cream, which of ten or more different flavors? How many scoops?

I'm exaggerating, of course. The idea is to elevate self-esteem, to gratify latent desires, to stimulate acquisition in this consumer-economy. The intent is positive, the goal emotional health. But we old-timers wonder and worry. What will happen when the kids' feet hit the ground, when they must confront the realities of the world?

Maybe our kids, now over forty, know something we don't know. We think we know more than our parents, and so they may intuit something they cannot explain but still feel obligated to carry out, and they may know better than we do. They are bringing up children for a truly Brave New World. Maybe the next century will find more effective means to prevent war and violence. Maybe the youth raised with what appears to be unconditional love will truly be the hope of the future.

This current trend has been attributed to Freud, who found that trauma and neglect caused neurotic mental illness. Chaos and abuse led to impulse disorders and psychoses. We know what makes kids sick, but I don't think we know yet what is optimal parenting. Kids certainly need a balance between controls and freedom, reward and punishment. Parents need to get a life beyond focussing on every detail of their children's daily existence. They can't be their child's biggest and best friend. A child needs to deal with frustration and obstructions, they also need time and space to play by themselves. Is it really necessary for the parent to spend 2-3 hours a day helping their child with homework assignments?

Why do grandchildren and grandparents get along so well? They have a common enemy, it is said. But the grandparents' mixture of controls and permissiveness is often a pleasant change from the monotonous gratification of every impulse for the grandchild. Self esteem is gained from real achievements, not just unconditional acceptance of all behavior. Kids really don't do too well with lack of structure and too many choices. It's OK for a mom to say here's dinner. You don't want to eat it? That's OK. Maybe you'll want breakfast. Or if not breakfast, then lunch. If you are not famished by dinner the next day, we might have to pay a visit to the pediatrician.

Dr Bloom is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Wayne State University School of Medicine. He is a member of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and on the editorial board of the Wayne County Medical Society. He welcomes comments at his email address--- vbloom@comcast.net.