SIBLING RIVALRY--- THE BANE OF CIVILIZATION

Ever since Cain slew Abel, we have been aware that it is a dangerous situation for a parent to favor one child over another. The fact of preference generates envy and jealousy--- envy of the sibling's real or imagined qualities and virtues, jealousy of the loving relationship from which one feels excluded. No one wants the hind tit, it seems. Everyone wants to be preferred, to be the strongest or the best, or to have the most. That is the natural tendency, and so envy, jealousy and rivalry are ever at the basis of the human condition.

And yet we are all different, unique in all the world. There is no one exactly like us, not even an identical twin. The natural and inevitable differences between us will be the basis for conflict and rivalry. The fact that some of us may be better endowed with intelligence or looks provides an advantage in the give and take of life. The fact that others ofΠus may be deficient or limited, leaves individuals mortified with envy and resentment. Ultimately, there are the haves and the have-nots, and history is full of accounts of murder and wars as a consequence.

The problem of rivalry is least problematic in India, where there has been a rigidly defined caste system. The Brahmins are the favorites of the gods and therefore entitled to every advantage, while the 'untouchables' are the lowest of the low, with the dirtiest jobs, and they are expected to accept their lot in life. And mostly, they do, with the understanding that if they perform their allotted tasks well, they will have learned a lesson and will gain some advantage in their next reincarnation.

We don't all believe in reincarnation, that there is a second chance after this life. If this is our only chance at life, we had better make the most of it. And in the process of making the most of it, others seem to be in our way. Most people have bosses ©or managers or supervisors to tell them what to do or evaluate their performance. These people have power over our lives; they can hire us or fire us or give us raises or promotions or more or less desirable work. Many people find that workplaces simulate our families and that authority-figures have power over us like parents once did. To gain advantage, some people work harder, other people complain more, still others do apple-polishing and sucking-up.

In some cultures, the first-born son has all the advantage. He inherits the family farm or business and apportions lesser tracts or percentages of the business to his younger siblings. It is well known that the younger siblings resent this. This is the basis of feelings of injustice and unfairness. It seems that chance favors others, that we are unlucky. If there is a good God, He would not let it happen, and yet we cannot divine the Master Plan and are not equipped® to judge who is best and what is right. If others have the advantage, we tend to feel that is wrong. Remember the righteous indignation of Salieri in relation to Mozart. Salieri thought he had a pact with God, that if he were good and pious, he would be the most successful composer of music. It came to pass that Salieri was the popular court composer, but when Mozart came along, he felt betrayed by God, because it was clear to him, irony of ironies, that Mozart had a creative genius vastly superior to that of Salieri. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was beloved by God; that is the meaning of "Amadeus". In a rage, Salieri plotted Mozart's destruction, or so the story went.

How many of us could identify with Salieri, who was consigned to mediocrity? How many of us envy pure genius, or those with greater intelligence or sports skills? Or those who seem to be better looking or have superior social graces? Or those who have ôfinancial advantage or connections. Or those with a better golf score?

It would seem that the world would be a better place if we could just accept ourselves as we are. There will always be those with greater or lesser abilities or accomplishments. It is a waste of time to compare ourselves with others. The trick is to accept ourselves as we are, as they say, warts and all, but that is more easily said than done.

Fortunately or unfortunately, we internalize forever the attitude our parents had toward us. If we were well loved and received good care, physically as well as mentally, we will have self-esteem and a feeling of entitlement. It would not be a source of displeasure to be aware that others have more of something than we have. Sibling rivalry is diminished when parents have the feeling that each child is special and unique, and equally well loved from a deep well of loving feelings and attituNdes. When a second child comes along, the first child's feelings are empathized with and considered and cared for. If the younger child envies the advantages of the older child or children, he or she is helped to feel special and empowered.

Educational philosophy now seems to over-estimate or misunderstand the concept of self-esteem. Children are not graded, not compared, not judged, lest one child feel better than another. What is lost on many educators is the fact that real self-esteem comes from performance and achievement, not just compliments and vacuous flattery.

As we seek to ever improve the human condition, we will have to weigh the benefits of challenging each person to fulfill his or her potential as a human being, given each person's genetic endowment and place in the birth order. If civilization is to advance we must help each person accept his or her lot in life, and make the most of it.

Dr. Bloom lives and practices psychiatry and psychoanalysis in Grosse Pointe Park. He is clinical associate professor of psychiatry in Wayne State University's School of Medicine, a Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association and a member of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis. He welcomes

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