MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

The term, 'unconditional love' is bandied about much these days, but I've never heard anyone adequately define it. Most often it means never getting angry, or showing it, to a beloved person. But if you are involved with somebody in a love relationship, whether it be as spouse or parent, it is impossible never to be angry with the other person.

All love relationships are ambivalent, consciously or unconsciously. That means that at times there is an admixture of love and hate. It is hard for most people to admit this,swiss panerai replica as our culture finds the emotions of anger and hate unacceptable. We don't like to think of a mother hating a child, but the newspapers give daily evidence of this. Similarly, husbands and wives may at times hate one another, especially when one feels abandoned or rejected, abused or neglected. It happens to the best of us from time to time, but we don't talk about it or even like to think about it. But anger is part of life and part of our evolutionary legacy; we are all fallible mortals and sometimes unwittingly give offense.

From what I can see, the closest thing to unconditional love is the love of a mother to a tiny infant, especially when the mother is naturally empathic and affectionate, realizing the neediness and helplessness of a newborn babe. But after a time the baby inevitably becomes fussy, sometimes intolerably so, and even the best mother may at times feel at her wits' end. I say 'mother' parenthetically, knowing that others, such as the father, may be mothering or parenting figures.

Most often we contain our anger and irritation, naturally. We have been socialized to behave well, so we inhibit the outward expression of our anger, and that is only right. But there is a tendency for inhibited anger to come out in other ways, such as in an irritated tone of voice, brusque physical behavior and worst of all, distancing. Who has not felt the distance of an angry person? Uninvolvement is the worst cut of all, but most often rifts are quickly mended. Less often small rifts develop into a chasm, which may lead to an outright rejection of a spouse, child or parent, or an ongoing loveless marriage. For many it is a duty to continue caring for a spouse, parent or child we no longer love.

Unconditional love really means never rejecting a person, no matter how they behave, no matter how angry you are. Most of us try to give unconditional love to our loved ones, and most often we succeed. But there is also a price to pay. Repressed anger can cause stress, which may result in depression or physical conditions, such as high blood pressure and headaches. It can also lead to gastrointestinal difficulties. The associated muscular tension leads to the aches and pains of arthritis and rheumatism. Depression often manifests itself in sleep and eating disturbances, sexual dysfunction, inertia and fatigue.

The idea of unconditional love really comes from the bible, from God who says we must love our neighbor. It is hard enough loving our loved ones, let alone our neighbor, our fellow human being, which means all human beings on the face of the earth. Clearly, it is impossible.

The Golden Rule comes closest to a principle of unconditional love. If we treat others as we want to be treated, we would like to receive unconditional love from our loved ones, and so we must give it, in order to receive it. The Golden Rule is universally adopted as an ideal of human relationships, but as we look about us, how often do we see it practiced?

Nowadays young parents try to practice unconditional love by never saying no to their child, letting the child have his or her way. This results in an unruly child with delayed toilet training. It is not loving to bring up children with the fantasy that they can have whatever they want, do whatever they want. Eventually they will bump up against the real world. Sometimes they will bump up against a policeman or a prison guard.

The unfortunate term, "tough love" has been used to refer to discipline. In the good old days, parents thought nothing of spanking a bottom to reinforce an important lesson. Such discipline never hurt a child; it just reminded him or her of who was boss. Questioning authority has reached the level that parents question their own authority. In the name of 'unconditional love' they neglect instilling values, standards and priorities, and simply considering the feelings of others. Such a child does not develop 'good manners'.

The concept of unconditional love should never be the reason a parent never induces guilt or refuses to accept responsibility for a child's actions. And it should never be a reason to raise a child that is unaware of the feelings and needs of others.

Unconditional love should never make us think our child is always right, that their wants and needs are of the uppermost importance. Parental guidance is always in a balance of freedom versus control, and the idea of unconditional love has tended, in recent years, to allow too much freedom and not enough control in the early years, which may lead to personality defects in the future.

Unconditional love means carrying out parental responsibilities to socialize a child in the critical early years, and this means sometimes showing anger, and sometimes using a little physical persuasion to make your point.

Dr. Bloom is Clinical Associate Professor in Wayne State University's Psychiatry department, has lectured at home and abroad and contributed to the professional literature. He practices psychiatry and psychoanalysis in Grosse Pointe Park and works with individuals, groups, couples and families. His special interests include creativity and parenting. hyperlink. Victorbloom.com.