VALUES, ETHICS, MORALS

Victor Bloom MD

Ever since the spate of school shootings, concerned citizens have been wondering what is going wrong. Many factors have been correctly named in this great complexity known as the human condition. Recent times have been blamed because of the undue influence of the media, which not only profits from gratuitous sex and murderous violence, but pushes for the endless acquisition of material objects. Somehow, in such an environment, the excesses of pathological narcissism are hardly noticed.

People blame lack of gun control and the easy availability of weapons, explosives and drugs, since our society is so free and open. We hear little about the responsibility that freedom requires, in order to have a safe and secure environment. People need to build inner controls in order to moderate the tendency to instinctual excesses. These come mainly from responsible and caring parenting and from a community determined to instill positive social values.

Many people still do not realize the bad effect of giving children free rein to watch television. Children's minds are impressionable, and therefore by excessive watching of TV programs conclude that recreational sex and gratuitous violence are 'normal.' Nowadays it is rare for a parent to guide a child not to jump with the lemmings, not to go with the herd, but to keep their own counsel, based on positive values acquired at home. These values can be imparted regardless of whether one or both parents work. If the parents work as a team and get along with each other and basically agree that their children must learn values and respect authority and obey the law, their children will not murder other children.

The imparting of positive values cannot start too early. The infant needs unconditional love, tender, loving care. That is without question. An infact whose basic needs are met feels good about him/herself, feels loving and loved, and has basic trust for other human beings.

The toddler must learn his/her limits. It learns not to play with electrical outlets or run out into the street. There may be objects or furniture that are out of bounds. Children must eventually learned to control their excretory function and begin an awareness of cleanliness and hygiene. They must eventually learn to share and take turns and limit the extent of acting out their sibling rivalry.

Parents should not model behavior that is intolerant, hateful and vindictive. Ideally, parents should not have excessive vices, such as smoking or drinking. Parents are the role-models and children naturally and unconsciously imitate them. Children also have a similar genetic makeup to parents, so whatever parents do to improve themselves can have a beneficial influence, to contradict previous deleterious influences. We live and learn. Better late than never.

It is good for parents to obey the rules, because the children are watching. Parents cannot expect their children to obey the law when they go through stop signs or speed on the freeway. Parents themselves break rules when they cheat on income tax and gloat about it, or drive when drunk. They disobey the rule of common sense when they smoke cigarettes, and so it is not much of a jump in logic for the children of smokers to want to smoke pot. Cigarette smokers are nicotine addicts and so the message is given in the house that addiction is tolerated. It is sad that so many parents cannot stop smoking, but that habit is definitely a negative influence on children.

Everything in moderation. Parents are the role-models for moderation. That means no yelling or hitting or breaking things. That means talking things out, resolving conflict by asserting one's prerogatives and respecting those of the other. This healthy tendency is nourished by good parental models.

Even neglect can be in moderation. The famous British psychoanalyst, D.W. Winnicott developed a concept of a 'good-enough' mother. He was referring, really, to both parents, conceding that the mother is the most influential in early development. Good enough meant 'benign neglect.' Those children with benign neglect grew up to be relatively normal, healthy, productive adults.

Benign neglect implied a certain freedom and lack of restraint which is conducive to healthy development, as opposed to a rigid, overly controlled program. Children can be overly supervised, but a modicum of supervision is necessary, especially nowadays. That would mean giving the child a lot of free time to read and engage in sports or special interests, but always checking to see if the child is on the right track or heading off in some dangerous direction.

It is time parents took their role more seriously and not leave their children's growing up to chance. If every parent took more responsibility for their children's moral development and make it a priority to teach them what is right and wrong, it would promote the development of positive values, instead of leaving a child with no other values other that his peer group. The higher development of civilization is dependent upon parents raising their children to be decent human beings.

Dr Bloom is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Wayne State University School of Medicine. He is a member of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and on the editorial board of the Wayne County Medical Society. He welcomes comments at his email address--- hyperlink; URL- victorbloom.com