COPING WITH HOLIDAY STRESS

Victor Bloom MD

These are supposed to be days of joy and warmth and fulfillment. Thanksgiving is a time of family and food, Christmas a time of family and cheer, New Year's a time of festivity and celebration.

Perhaps the common denominator of HOLIDAY STRESS is family, that dread word that conjures up both 'values' and 'stress'. Families are the source of our values and our character, and each family is unique. We generalize about family in terms of the ideal family, portrayed by Norman Rockwell and exemplified by "The Brady Bunch", and the dysfunctional family, as "All In The Family".

As a great writer related, "happy families are all alike"; therefore we do not write about them. Unhappy families appeal to us for two reasons, ours seems 'not so bad'--- and we also identify with them. Nobody comes out of a family unscarred. The family is the context in which we were 'raised' or 'reared' and we emerge, products of an imperfect society, in an "Age of Anxiety".

So our families are all, more or less, 'dysfunctional', the buzz-word of today. What does this mean? Our 'functioning' is not altogether rational or sane. We end up with conflicted feelings and destructive behaviors. We drink, smoke, over-eat, procrastinate, and otherwise screw ourselves up. We become workaholics or unemployed. We hurt and disappoint our loved ones. We make resolutions and break them.

Stress comes from within and without. Mostly from within. We have an unconscious full of problems from the past, and getting together with our families triggers off painful memories and aberrent behavior. Many of us dread getting together with family, because we have spent our lives getting as far away from them as possible. Still the roads and airports are full of people making their annual pilgrimage, a duty or 'mercy' visit. The crotchety and persnickety aunts, uncles, parents and grandparents are sure to be there. Not to mention siblings, step-siblings and half-siblings. Ugh! Back to sibling rivalry. Why did Johnny get a better present than me from aunt Sadie? How come grampa Warbucks only gave me a hundred dollars this year?

Family traditions can get to be a bore and maddeningly monotonous. Again that fruitcake that was liberated from being a functioning door-stop! Again the arguments about tinsel on the Christmas tree. Again having to watch "A Christmas Carol". (I know I have been Scrooge the rest of the year). Again having to listen to the "Messiah". Again the Hallelujah Chorus and the Ode to Joy. Hark the herald angels sing.

The key to surviving family holidays is innovation and creativity. For gosh sakes, do something different! Go to a movie, go to the Caribean. Eat what you want, drink what you want, spend what you want, or nothing, on presents. Have a year without sending cards or letters. Have Christmas in someone else's house. Be selfish! Be generous! Be Buddhist! Skip the Christmas tree. Forget the mistletoe. Curl up with a good book or visit a good friend. Be an individual, not just a conforming robot.

Creativity involves change and coming to new solutions to old problems, and sometimes there is a creative urge to abide by the old traditions, giving them new meanings. Serve in a soup kitchen. Make toys for poor children. Donate your time to a hospital. Record the life story of your favorite grandparent, and then your un-favorite grandparent. Write your own life story for posterity and your grandchildren. What a present that would be!

The crux to conflict and stress is resolution and getting it together. If you cannot do it by yourself, hey, this is your only life, break down and do yourself a favor and get some therapy! That would be some Christmas present, and maybe you could eventually fulfill those New Year resolutions. If the therapy works, the next holiday season will not feel so stressful.

KEY POINTS

1. Holidays are stressful.

2. The stress usually (believe it or not) comes from within.

3. We ALL come from (more or less) dysfunctional families.

4. Don't repeat bad habits (traditions) and reaction patterns.

5. Introspect and get creative.

6. The name of the game is CHANGE.

7. If all else fails, get some psychotherapy.