LOVE, MARRIAGE AND PARENTING

Victor Bloom MD

Grosse Pointe Park

Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. Or so it was said. It seems one of the biggest problems of our time and our society is the degree to which love and marriage no longer go together. There is much illicit sex outside of marriage these days, involving teenagers and those who are not in the position of assuming responsibility for its consequences. The consequences include unwanted babies and sexually transmitted diseases. Somehow, the rest of society is called upon to assume the burden.

But let us not confuse love and sex. Often the word "love" is used synonymously with sex, but we all know that there can be sex without love, love without responsibility or commitment. How does this happen? It happens when a family does not provide optimum parenting. Some parents really think that if a child has a roof over its head, food on the table, clothes on its back, and an education, that the basic minimum has been provided. Some of my patients can hardly believe that they have to see a psychiatrist, because their parents provided 'everything'. They were in a good home, in a good neighborhood, and even had a religious education, but something was lacking.

Unbeknownst to the community at large, some parents who appear happy and normal on the outside, who are even pillars of the community, attractive, good-humored people, are neglectful and abusive to their children. How can this be? Some parents, at the end of the day, simply start drinking and don't stop until they are almost anesthetized. In the process, they become insensitive, critical, demanding, controlling, even insulting and neglectful. They issue orders from on high: "do your homework!", "don't watch television!" and not following up with real guidance and supervision. Since the parents 'are out of it', the child becomes cynical and angry and does what it pleases, especially adopting the traits of its role-model. The teenager starts smoking, drinking, taking drugs and indulging in casual and recreational sex.

What children need, more than anything else, are two concerned, committed, responsible, involved, loving parents. The parents must be awake and alert, which is to say, sober. The infant needs to be talked to and played with, read to and held and cuddled. Its emotional needs must be fulfilled. Its gratification is internalized as basic trust, which is the basis of self-confidence, self esteem and integrity. Real self-esteem, as opposed to arrogant narcissism, stems from a feeling of security and stability. A person with self-esteem has the strength, resourcefulness and creativity to survive and grow in a complex and difficult world.

The feelings of childhood are carried with us our entire adult lives. Other things being equal, if we were happy as children, we will be happy as adults. If we were secure as children, we will be secure as adults. If we were calm and relaxed as children, we will remain serene. On the other hand, if we were angry, tense and frustrated, we will be all these things as adults, and seek comfort in destructive behavior, and in euphoric drugs and abusive sex. It is necessary to gratify a child's basic needs. This will not spoil them; it will give them the openness and confidence to express feelings and to expect that attention will be paid. On the contrary, children whose basic needs are denied will grow to be forever insatiable and selfish, cruel and destructive. This is because they will feel frustrated, tense, anxious and depressed. Oftentimes, these childhood feelings can be worked through later in life in longterm psychotherapy.

The most important decision in the world is the choice of a mate. Next comes the choice of a career. Life's most important career is that of parenting. The best parents come from the best role models. They have learned from their parents and naturally contain within what is required. Our society has not yet come up with a way to encourage the best parenting. But we must be ever mindful of the importance of it, and be acutely aware of our effect on others, especially our children.