PARENTING A TODDLER II

(Part II of a Series)

Victor Bloom MD

The toddler, like the infant, needs a lot of loving care. The key is 'empathy', which means understanding the child's developmental needs. Although there are many generalizations about development, a key aspect to parenting is recognizing that each child is different and unique. Similarly, each parent is unique and therefore each parent-child relationship is unique. In that uniqueness there is a dazzling array of attributes, good and bad, potentially creative and destructive.

One current destructive tendency is to refer to toddlerhood as "the terrible twos". I can understand how and why this appelation has grown to prominence, it is because toddlers are prone to say, "no" and have temper tantrums. They may also resist toilet training, and even diapering and getting dressed. It is important to know why they seem so difficult. Empathy must go to the parents as well as the child, as each parent is doing is or her level best to do what is right.

It is important to understand why a toddler says, "no", resists toilet training and has temper tantrums. It may seem overly obvious to say they are still babies and are, yes, immature. Their nervous systems have not yet matured to the point that they have a command of language and their own physical self. Therefore the expectations of parents are often at odds with what feels good and right to them, and they will complain about being thwarted or pushed around. They are beginning to realize that they are little, weak and relatively helpless after coming out of an infancy where they may have been conditioned to feel strong and powerful, getting their needs met.

They want to explore, to climb, to play. They want to take full advantage of their increasing mobility and intense curiosity. They want to explore the environment, which means any and every drawer and cabinet, every table and countertop. Every article of furniture is something to climb on and jump off. And many parents become impatient with following them around, seeing that they don't hurt themselves or break some precious object. Sometimes they are reduced to a monotonously limited repertoire of, "no, no, no!" No wonder the toddler learns to say, "no". The toddler wants to tie his or her own shoe, put on a shirt or pants, even if it takes all day. The toddler wants to learn, feels like a separate, autonomous person, and wants to assert this independence.

This comes starkly against the parent's idea of time, schedule, priorities. The parent may be harried and trying to carry out an extensive "do list" governed by the clock, the calendar, the checkbook. The child resists too much pressure or structure, and yet needs some external structure to internalize. We are trying to socialize him or her to 'society', to the real world. Our task is to guide the child gently but firmly from no rules to a complex array of rules, guidelines and expectations.

Eventually, the toddler will be toilet trained, be able to dress him or herself, learn to talk and respond to other people's talk and actions. The transition to adulthood is fantasy-play. The toddler needs toys and time to play. He or she will play with blocks, trucks, dolls and educational toys, which include letters and numbers, colors and shapes. We don't resort to playpens anymore, but need some space that is "child-proof", where he or she can play without a lot of "no-no's" and risk. You can play and then let him or her play alone. A toddler is quite capable of inventing scenarios, building castles or mudpies in the sand, operating a dump truck or fire engine, building with blocks or lego, and playing with dolls.

It is not too early to teach the toddler manners. He or she can learn to say, "please" and "thank you", best taught by example. He or she can also be taught to use utensils, to ask for things, to ask permission. A toddler can also be introduced to the idea that diapers are not forever, that eventually excrement is deposited in a particular place. What really helps are rewards, praise and encouragement; these are positive. We no longer think solely in terms of crime and punishment. Children can be taught without hitting or yelling. When the child does not respond to expectations, at this age a firm and gentle guiding hand will most often do the trick, rather than repeated verbal commands.

Basically, toddlers are fun and delightful. If this time is enjoyable for both parent and child, it will form the basis of positive and outgoing human relationships, self-esteem and self-confidence, consideration for the feelings of others and effective social skills. These traits are of considerable importance in developing the capacity to love and be loved, and to do satisfying, useful and creative work.