TOO MUCH FREEDOM? TOO MUCH SELF-ESTEEM?

My late Freudian analyst put it well: "What people need is freedom... and then controls."

The latest Littleton high school tragedy is an example of insufficient controls. It seems the trend in parenting nowadays is to encourage the development of self-esteem, a good personal self-image. That goal sounds desirable at first blush, but evidence is mounting that 'self-esteem' which is not based on self-control, hard work, learning and overcoming obstacles leads to a condition called, "pathological narcissism."

In this condition, people LOVE THEMSELVES TOO MUCH, and have no feeling for others. This is what is behind the recent spate of children killing children. They seek absolute power and control and are ruthless and unfeeling in the pursuit of it. Sometimes, they are very successful, outwardly, but inside they are very insecure, feeling fearful and weak, which is why they act the opposite. Bombast and belligerence replaces a healthy, assertive, self-confidence in football players as well as nerds.

It is my (educated) guess that the two Columbine shooters were victims of this serious mental disorder. They were obviously intelligent, and could carry out a cold-blooded plan devised a whole year before, and chose to explode it on Hitler's birthday, for a symbolic identification with the Nazi Fuhrer. They wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, and go down in history. That fantasy is the epitome of grandiosity and omnipotence. As we can now easily conclude from the evidence which has come forth from the killer's classmates, they were not socially adept. They envied the football players, and keenly resented their smug disparagements.

We ask ourselves, how could their terrible plans and preparations go un-noticed and un-stopped? Think of how many people saw the warning signs and looked the other way. These included parents, neighbors, fellow-students, teachers, the sheriff's department and the probation officers. All the clues could easily have been considered cries for help. These warning signs were like smaller kids testing limits.

The behavior gets more and more outrageous until it finally has to be stopped. Children want and need controls.

I believe our society has become more and more narcissistic, beyond the 'me-generation.' The boys fell through the cracks in our society, cracks which have grown to chasms, as people become less involved with each other. Such a trend suggests an epidemic of narcissism; pathological narcissism is the extreme, but it is the tip of an iceberg. If Eric and Dylan had some feeling for their classmates, even the football players, they could not have murdered so many with no apparent inhibition or remorse. They were in a society in which nobody cared enough to risk heeding the warnings, not parents or teachers, not classmates, neighbors or the sheriff's office.

I am sure the causes are varied and complex, but one of the factors is the ever-expanding growth of entitlement through excessive unearned self-esteem. Kids have been made to think they should have anything they want, from violent video games to hate-inciting music, and yes, to weapons. Our overly charged economy directs itself to gullible youngsters and their indifferent parents. Many people feel overly entitled to work hard, parents and children, to purchase ever more things and places. This push for ever increasing consumerism, giving the impression of a strong and healthy economy spawns the excesses of violent movies and video games, and the kind of music many teenagers seem to be attracted to, full of primitive sex, violence and anti-authoritarianism.

My clinical experience tells me that this condition of excessive narcissism comes from a combination of ineffective parenting (neglect) and material over-indulgence, rationalized by pushing self-esteem and freedom on youngsters. In both cases, the extremes of parenting are pathogenic. Both types are forms of neglect. If nothing is expected of the child, but to simply grow, he grows up very much like an animal, a survivor who doesn't care about his fellow human being.

Many parents now were once children in stricter times and resented parental authority and control. So now there is a tendency for them to go in the opposite direction. I would humbly suggest parents going back to Spock and seeking a better balance. He emphasized bonding in the earliest years and gentle but firm controls.

The incorporation of parental and societal controls is necessary for a child to become a decent, civilized, cooperative person.

Dr Bloom is Clinical Associate Professor, Department of Psychiatry, Wayne State University and member of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis. He welcomes feedback by email to vbloom@comcast.net.